A few days to go...

... or at least until due date! It could be more, or it could be less - though I'm really not ready for it to be less just yet. We still need to take delivery of our stroller and car seat! You think that's all I'm panicking about?? Erm, no! The whole pregnancy has gone far too quickly for my liking, and though I realllly can't wait to meet our little princess, the whole thought of the labour/birth, and just generally life changes has totally hit me! I know it's going to be totally worth it and the most rewarding thing I have ever done, but I promised to to honest when I started this blog, and honestly, I'm sh*t scared!!

Now don't get me wrong, I am soooo happy to be having this baby, and I couldn't even imagine that I could love someone so much already, when I haven't even met them yet, but I'm scared I'm not going to be up to the job. I want to be able to give her the very best I can, but what if my best isn't good enough? What if I can't cope? What if it doesn't just come naturally, like everyone says it will? What if I miss an incredibly important thing, that puts her in danger? And that's just the start of the 'what ifs' - there are hundreds going around in my head - literally!

Does everyone go through this? It seems like all the other first time mums / new mums I see, just kind of get on with it, with no real panic whatsoever. Sure they look a bit tired, but generally happy and comfortable that they know what they are doing. How do they know what to do and when to do it? Will I know? How? When? It's all going round in my head constantly at the moment, and it really isn't good. Some days I feel quite calm and figure that there are people out there who have children who have less of a clue than me - if they can do it, why can't i?!! And then there are the other days, where I just want to cry as I'm so panicked about the pressure of it all. The crying days are very few, admittedly, but they do occur, mainly when it just all feels a bit over-whelming, and I'm sure those hormones have a large part to play (though I won't admit that to Jay, as his answer to everything seems to be 'it must be the hormones' - grrrr!!!)

What else? Well not too long to go until I start my maternity leave - my feelings on that have changed since I first found out I was pregnant. At first, I was excited about the prospect of having a year off (potentially) with my baby, to get to know here, to spend time with her, and to just try and become a great mother to her. I still am looking forward to those things, but with it now comes a bit of anxiety - things will obviously change at work while I am away, but what will it mean for me and my job? Will my role change? What will I be coming back to? Now none of this is within my control, but they are all valid questions. Probably the last things I should be worrying about at this stage, but it can;t be helped. I've worked very hard over the years, to get to a decent place in my career, and the thought of that going down the drain (okay, so not exactly down the drain!) is a bit scary.

All in all, this post - all comes own to the anxiety of what is to come and what is going to change in a matter of weeks - pretty much all out of my control, so I realllly need to find a way to control the anxiety of it all! Wish me luck!!!